Two Characters In Search of a Country Song

The VFW near me has karaoke on Wednesdays and Fridays, and on some other special occasions. The crowd is very specific in its tastes; you'll hear either country or western, and if you're looking for Hank Williams Jr., that's probably too new of a selection. And probably too cheery.

Fortunately, the people who run the karaoke don't mind if you bring your own CDs. I don't have any, but my friend has a verifiable shitload. I've attempted "Bust A Move" and J. Geils' "Centerfold," but my main anthem on these nights is "Keep on Lovin' You."

For the regulars, though, the artists of choice are Loretta Lynn, George Strait and Tammy Wynette. They sometimes sing love songs, if we're lucky, but even those renditions sound like funeral hymns. The more common serenades involve tales of loved ones dying, husbands cheating, women coming to terms with domestic abuse and people wanting to die.

After a few outings to said karaoke nights, I've determined there aren't topics off limits for country songs, but rather topics that just haven't been written into a country song yet. After a pitcher of Bud Light (the "good stuff" in a joint like this), I ended up brainstorming some ideas that would be great fodder for a slow ballad to be sung with a twang and a lonely guitar:

*Fetal alcohol syndrome
*Cerebral palsy
*Incontinence
*"Burning dinner"
*Wheelchair fights
*KFC going zero trans fat
*Mexican workers
*Apartheid
*"Walking into it"
*Hassles at the DMV
*Finding a couch
*Mike Huckabee

I think there were a few dozen more on the list, and they seemed way funnier when I wrote them down, as I had a good buzz going. But there are so many patriotic songs post-9/11 that it would not surprise me if there were songs about Terri Schiavo. I know, I know, Bruce Springsteen had a whole album post-9/11, but he didn't sing about delivering an ass-kicking courtesy of the red, white and blue. And if he did write a song about Schiavo, he'd probably make it some introspective tune about the orderly who had to change her bed pan. Or maybe not, I'm no poet.