Tonight, whilst on vacay, I will be doing karaoke at one of my former haunts. This place has a stage with several screens and a golconda of props, including hats and boas. This was where I developed my karaoke sense.
So, those of you who've seen me in action, blame this place.
There are a lot more songs at this place than the places where I go currently. I occasionally do karaoke at a VFW post where most of the regulars sing country or western music. My friend and I like to think we're a good kick in the pants for them, because when we walk in, the average age drops to about 55. He'll sing Green Day, Prince and Fresh Prince, and I'll sing J. Geils Band, REO Speedwagon and The Foundations.
Well, the most recent time we went in, he upped his game. He sang "Darling Nikki." Now, if you're not familiar with the Prince song, he meets her while she's in a hotel lobby doing something to herself that you don't see girls doing in public. That will get you an NC-17 rating.
The regulars loved it. The women in the room could not have cackled louder when he got to that part.
Maybe they'd go see my movie about ladies in love at the nursing home.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Sometimes We Bring The Rat And The Wolf
As I got ready to go on vacation, all I could think about was someone else breaking into my home in my absence.
It's happened a lot lately.
About three weeks ago, I saw a rat in my apartment. This was the second time in two years I had seen a rat in there. I bought a rat trap and the next night, I came home to see justice served.
The tally was then as follows:
Dead rats this year: 1
Dead rats since moving in two years ago: 2
I had called the landlords and alerted them to the hole where the floor meets the wall. The maintenance men have been trying to fix that (I've heard them below me in the morning), but it's not done yet. Because...
A few weeks later, while watching a movie, I heard another rat trap go off. There had been another rat! It was very unsettling to be in there when it happened. Especially because he tried to limp away while stuck in the trap.
The tally was then as follows:
Dead rats this year: 2
Dead rats since moving in two years ago: 3
Then the very next night, I came home and near the hole in the wall, in another trap....
The tally was then as follows:
Dead rats this year: 3
Dead rats since moving in two years ago: 4
This one was at least dead in the trap and not trying to hobble away. That's just sick.
I know a lot of people like the movie "Ratatouille," but I think seeing that would do to me what "Apocalypse Now" probably does to veterans.
It's happened a lot lately.
About three weeks ago, I saw a rat in my apartment. This was the second time in two years I had seen a rat in there. I bought a rat trap and the next night, I came home to see justice served.
The tally was then as follows:
Dead rats this year: 1
Dead rats since moving in two years ago: 2
I had called the landlords and alerted them to the hole where the floor meets the wall. The maintenance men have been trying to fix that (I've heard them below me in the morning), but it's not done yet. Because...
A few weeks later, while watching a movie, I heard another rat trap go off. There had been another rat! It was very unsettling to be in there when it happened. Especially because he tried to limp away while stuck in the trap.
The tally was then as follows:
Dead rats this year: 2
Dead rats since moving in two years ago: 3
Then the very next night, I came home and near the hole in the wall, in another trap....
The tally was then as follows:
Dead rats this year: 3
Dead rats since moving in two years ago: 4
This one was at least dead in the trap and not trying to hobble away. That's just sick.
I know a lot of people like the movie "Ratatouille," but I think seeing that would do to me what "Apocalypse Now" probably does to veterans.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
And The Books She Read And The Books That She Said She Read
Miley Cyrus has signed a seven-figure deal to write her memoirs.
Stories probably not in the book:
Nights on the town with Shannen Doherty and Tara Reid
Paying a hobo outside the venue to get her "medicine"
An Eiffel Tower with the Jonas Brothers
Tori Spelling's recent book had tales of partying hard, sleeping with "everyone" on "90210" and having bitchy fights with her mom. Again, these are topics probably not in Miley Cyrus memoirs.
No, she's a little too squeaky clean for that. The announcement comes the same week that "scandalous" photos of here appeared on the Internet, though, in which she pulls down her shirt to reveal a bra, and of her wearing just a bra and underwear while on the lap of some guy.
That's a little creepy, what with her being 15. I don't have a comment on her, but on all the people who've accosted me about her. Whenever I've said I thought the show was corny or the ticket prices were obnoxious, there's always been some Hannah Montana apologist there to say, "You have to admit, she's a good role model for young girls."
I have some problems with that statement:
1. Whether or not she's good for kids is irrelevant to whether I think the show is corny
2. Overpriced tickets are overpriced tickets whether it's her or someone else
3. "You have to admit*" is not a way to phrase any argument you're about to make
*Unless, of course, you're talking about my idea about a movie in which old ladies turn toward each other when the men are all dead. "Kissing Jessica Stein" for an older set: "Kissing Jessica Tandy."
Stories probably not in the book:
Nights on the town with Shannen Doherty and Tara Reid
Paying a hobo outside the venue to get her "medicine"
An Eiffel Tower with the Jonas Brothers
Tori Spelling's recent book had tales of partying hard, sleeping with "everyone" on "90210" and having bitchy fights with her mom. Again, these are topics probably not in Miley Cyrus memoirs.
No, she's a little too squeaky clean for that. The announcement comes the same week that "scandalous" photos of here appeared on the Internet, though, in which she pulls down her shirt to reveal a bra, and of her wearing just a bra and underwear while on the lap of some guy.
That's a little creepy, what with her being 15. I don't have a comment on her, but on all the people who've accosted me about her. Whenever I've said I thought the show was corny or the ticket prices were obnoxious, there's always been some Hannah Montana apologist there to say, "You have to admit, she's a good role model for young girls."
I have some problems with that statement:
1. Whether or not she's good for kids is irrelevant to whether I think the show is corny
2. Overpriced tickets are overpriced tickets whether it's her or someone else
3. "You have to admit*" is not a way to phrase any argument you're about to make
*Unless, of course, you're talking about my idea about a movie in which old ladies turn toward each other when the men are all dead. "Kissing Jessica Stein" for an older set: "Kissing Jessica Tandy."
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
When You're Old and Lonely And The Rush of Life is Past
A recent study on life expectancy shows that though some counties are seeing a decline in life expectancy, women are still living longer than men. This study prompted a female friend of mine to say, "We'll get lonely in the nursing home without you!" I, of course, have a plan: "You'll just have to become a lesbian."
This could be the best Farrelly brothers or John Waters movie ever: a nursing home in which the competition for available men becomes a big competition, and the remaining women have no option but to go for each other.
Holy shit, I could have just hit the jackpot. Have any studies been done on this? I've tried to find something, but all I could find was this article that almost reads like an Onion article and I can't find the original, just this version posted on an organization's Web site. But that they quote people advocating this practice is awesome.
Whether or not that article is legit or not is unimportant. I've totally come up with a great idea. Well, at least it's a great idea for a movie. I don't know if I suggest that older women get the hemp necklaces and flannel just yet.
You could always just become a cougar.
This could be the best Farrelly brothers or John Waters movie ever: a nursing home in which the competition for available men becomes a big competition, and the remaining women have no option but to go for each other.
Holy shit, I could have just hit the jackpot. Have any studies been done on this? I've tried to find something, but all I could find was this article that almost reads like an Onion article and I can't find the original, just this version posted on an organization's Web site. But that they quote people advocating this practice is awesome.
Whether or not that article is legit or not is unimportant. I've totally come up with a great idea. Well, at least it's a great idea for a movie. I don't know if I suggest that older women get the hemp necklaces and flannel just yet.
You could always just become a cougar.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Crazy For You (But Not That Crazy)
I am no Nostradamus, but I have a good idea as to how the next nine months could play out:
I. The Democratic candidate won't be decided until the convention
A. Clinton and Obama will continue to campaign
B. They will continue to give speeches great for sound bites
C. They will deride the other's speeches and split hairs about their comments
D. We will forever hear about Obama's pastor, his comments about "bitter" voters and Clinton's embellished story about being in Bosnia with Sinbad
II. It will become McCain's game to fuck up
A. He can get votes from those who genuinely like him
B. He can get from people who want to socially active like his wife
C. He can get votes from people who want to be sexually active with his wife
D. He can get votes from people sick of Clinton and Obama
III. Third party candidates have everything to gain
A. See II.D.
IV. Michael Moore will deflect blame from the Democrats
A. If the Republican wins, he won't bring up anything the Democrats did or failed to do
B. If the Republican wins, it will be the fault of any candidate in the race who isn't Obama or Clinton (see past blames on Monica Moorehead and Ralph Nader)
V. Michael Moore will not be alone
A. Susan Sarandon
B. Bill Maher
C. Al Gore
What I'd rather have, though, is this:
I. Obama and Hilary agree to one last debate, the winner of whom takes the nomination
A. And by "debate," they actually compete against each other on "American Gladiators"
B. Instead of garnering points, they collect delegates
C. Instead of Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali, you can have John McCain, dressed like Hulk Hogan
II. Third party candidates to make this interesting
A. David Lee Roth
B. Billy Dee Williams
C. Pedro
III. A sound-bite quota, similar to limited minutes on a cell phone plan
IV. A panda
A. Pandas make everything better
B. He could eat the losers
Again, I am no Nostradamus, but I tend to be pretty good at predicting the twists on soap operas.
I. The Democratic candidate won't be decided until the convention
A. Clinton and Obama will continue to campaign
B. They will continue to give speeches great for sound bites
C. They will deride the other's speeches and split hairs about their comments
D. We will forever hear about Obama's pastor, his comments about "bitter" voters and Clinton's embellished story about being in Bosnia with Sinbad
II. It will become McCain's game to fuck up
A. He can get votes from those who genuinely like him
B. He can get from people who want to socially active like his wife
C. He can get votes from people who want to be sexually active with his wife
D. He can get votes from people sick of Clinton and Obama
III. Third party candidates have everything to gain
A. See II.D.
IV. Michael Moore will deflect blame from the Democrats
A. If the Republican wins, he won't bring up anything the Democrats did or failed to do
B. If the Republican wins, it will be the fault of any candidate in the race who isn't Obama or Clinton (see past blames on Monica Moorehead and Ralph Nader)
V. Michael Moore will not be alone
A. Susan Sarandon
B. Bill Maher
C. Al Gore
What I'd rather have, though, is this:
I. Obama and Hilary agree to one last debate, the winner of whom takes the nomination
A. And by "debate," they actually compete against each other on "American Gladiators"
B. Instead of garnering points, they collect delegates
C. Instead of Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali, you can have John McCain, dressed like Hulk Hogan
II. Third party candidates to make this interesting
A. David Lee Roth
B. Billy Dee Williams
C. Pedro
III. A sound-bite quota, similar to limited minutes on a cell phone plan
IV. A panda
A. Pandas make everything better
B. He could eat the losers
Again, I am no Nostradamus, but I tend to be pretty good at predicting the twists on soap operas.
Monday, April 21, 2008
How Cool to be Cold, With the Dreaming Moon, I'll Begin Again
Today, I am getting a new fridge. The old one wasn't freezing, and after a while, it wasn't fridge-ing, either.
The maintenance guy called around 8 this morning saying he had a new fridge for me. He had been here a week ago and I guess I was on the waiting list. That's the thing about renting an apartment: you don't have to pay for the stuff but you're not in control of when you get it. Now I know how "Make A Wish" kids feel. Except they're probably not in the middle of a good dream when they get the call. If "Chappelle's Show" or "The Kids In The Hall" have taught me anything it's that those kids are always awake.
So, I had to clear all the pictures and magnets from the fridge, and then had to take out all the food. Rather than putting it on the counter, I guess I could have just thrown it a good bit of it away, as it's barely cool. The beer is just cool enough to have not gotten skunked.
Now, the guys moving my old fridge remind me of the brothers Daryl from Bob Newhart's show. They're a friendly duo, chatting about Ramen noodles. I was intrigued, because though I never got on the Ramen train, I do love me some noodles. So, I thought to myself, "These guys are allright." When it came to having to move said fridge, they realized they couldn't get the fridge out of the kitchen door, which would have been easiest, as that's the one that leads to the back near the garage. Neigh, the back door was not wide enough, so they were going to have to take it the front door, out the main hallway of the building and down some steps. To do this, however, they were going to have to take the front door of its hinges. Luckily, I still have my friend's tool box in my bedroom, so when I produced her impressive plethora of tools, they said, "Shit, he's more prepared than we are!"
I imagine a good bit of that food has to be pitched, and so I'm thinking after they leave, I'll go to the Panera with a Monday New York Times. It's not the same as a Sunday Times, that's for sure, and the ritual won't feel the same, but it's the least I can do for myself. I think I've earned it.
But first, a moment of appreciation for the old fridge:
O, departed friend, how I apologize for not having given you a name. You will now retroactively be known as "Fridge I," and all the stories involving you shall include that fine moniker.
For two years, you valiantly served, chilling cheese, milk, eggs and beer. Lots and lots of beer: porters, lagers, ales and whatever other beverages passed through your sturdy doors. Yes, you were a halfway house for many a brew, and for that, I thank you.
You died, like so many young men of your generation, you died before your time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives, as did this fridge.
Good night, sweet prince.
The maintenance guy called around 8 this morning saying he had a new fridge for me. He had been here a week ago and I guess I was on the waiting list. That's the thing about renting an apartment: you don't have to pay for the stuff but you're not in control of when you get it. Now I know how "Make A Wish" kids feel. Except they're probably not in the middle of a good dream when they get the call. If "Chappelle's Show" or "The Kids In The Hall" have taught me anything it's that those kids are always awake.
So, I had to clear all the pictures and magnets from the fridge, and then had to take out all the food. Rather than putting it on the counter, I guess I could have just thrown it a good bit of it away, as it's barely cool. The beer is just cool enough to have not gotten skunked.
Now, the guys moving my old fridge remind me of the brothers Daryl from Bob Newhart's show. They're a friendly duo, chatting about Ramen noodles. I was intrigued, because though I never got on the Ramen train, I do love me some noodles. So, I thought to myself, "These guys are allright." When it came to having to move said fridge, they realized they couldn't get the fridge out of the kitchen door, which would have been easiest, as that's the one that leads to the back near the garage. Neigh, the back door was not wide enough, so they were going to have to take it the front door, out the main hallway of the building and down some steps. To do this, however, they were going to have to take the front door of its hinges. Luckily, I still have my friend's tool box in my bedroom, so when I produced her impressive plethora of tools, they said, "Shit, he's more prepared than we are!"
I imagine a good bit of that food has to be pitched, and so I'm thinking after they leave, I'll go to the Panera with a Monday New York Times. It's not the same as a Sunday Times, that's for sure, and the ritual won't feel the same, but it's the least I can do for myself. I think I've earned it.
But first, a moment of appreciation for the old fridge:
O, departed friend, how I apologize for not having given you a name. You will now retroactively be known as "Fridge I," and all the stories involving you shall include that fine moniker.
For two years, you valiantly served, chilling cheese, milk, eggs and beer. Lots and lots of beer: porters, lagers, ales and whatever other beverages passed through your sturdy doors. Yes, you were a halfway house for many a brew, and for that, I thank you.
You died, like so many young men of your generation, you died before your time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives, as did this fridge.
Good night, sweet prince.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
My Evil Twin Would Lie and Steal
To the douche biscuit who stole my Sunday New York Times,
Shame on you. You deprived me of one of my favorite rituals of the week: reading The Sunday Times at Panera. I had already read a good chunk of it online, but that is not the point.
You took something that was not yours, you twaffle. At a newsstand price of $5, the Sunday Times is a bit steep, but now you've transferred that cost onto me. And as an addict, I might have to cross the river to go to my favorite news stand to get it. I hope you're happy, though I think someone so low as to steal another person's NYT is incapable of ever feeling true happiness. Where evil lurks, good cannot thrive.
What's your favorite section, thief? Do you start with the A section? Sunday Styles? Arts & Leisure? Or do you do what I do, and go straight to Week In Review? I don't know what would strike me as more appalling: a stranger defiling the Week In Review section I should be reading, or that stranger passing by that section, unaware of its goodness. Well, either way, fuck nut, you're on my list.
My fervent hope and prayer is that like St. Paul, you will become struck with the regret and horror of your actions, and dedicate yourself to righting the wrongs you've inflicted upon the world. I am probably not your only victim. Newspaper theft is likely but one of many crimes you have committed. I am saddened by your plight, but not so jaded that I feel you cannot reform. If H.I. McDunnough can escape the clutches of recidivism, then maybe you, too, can find the righteous path.
Of course, maybe it was not a douche biscuit who took my beloved paper, but rather an error on the part of my carrier. If that's the case:
To my fellow human to whose life-strength depends on The New York Times,
Good morning. I hope you are having a good morning, despite the fact that you were probably up way too early. You are a brave soul, with more discipline than me. May you find solace in knowing that you are charged with a sacred task: delivering the news to the thirsty masses. You are entrusted with delivering not just any news, but the Cadillac of newspapers, the Hendrix of guitarists, the "Fear of A Black Planet" of rap albums. You, my friend, are entrusted with the holy grail.
Several obstacles must besiege you each week as you embark on your journey to unite hungry reader with the everso satisfying Sunday Times. I'm sure you have several tales of dodging hobos, dogs and watchful rednecks wary of this person delivering light to the ignorant ones content with the shadows.
It is because I am aware of your burdens that I regret to inform you that a horrible blow has been dealt to justice this morning. Cruel fate has it that I was not united with my Times this morning. I know, I, too, was devastated.
It is not my intent to cause you guilt or ignominy. Neigh, my friend, I would like to use this incident of letting you know the joy I derive on the days you complete your task as charged. I time it such that I leave my front door, grab the Times in its blue sheath and make way to the local Panera just before they stop serving breakfast. I order either a spinach, bacon and egg souffle or a breakfast sammie with either bacon or sausage. I have a very methodical and well-rehearsed routine that plays out over the next hour and a half, and it is this routine that is one of the most cherished parts of my week.
Now, I do not cast blame in your direction. Perhaps it was thieves, dogs or sand people who caused me this pain on this otherwise beautiful April morn. Whatever the case may be, I wanted you to know that your life's work is one that is greatly appreciated, and so much joy can be enjoyed -- or lost -- depending on your success. My future children and/or non-existent dog could even bear your name one day.
Unless, of course, your name is Binyamin.
Love,
Me.
Whew. That was therapeutic.
Survey question
Did YOU take my Sunday Times? And if so, how does it make you feel to know you have caused a poor soul such anguish?
Shame on you. You deprived me of one of my favorite rituals of the week: reading The Sunday Times at Panera. I had already read a good chunk of it online, but that is not the point.
You took something that was not yours, you twaffle. At a newsstand price of $5, the Sunday Times is a bit steep, but now you've transferred that cost onto me. And as an addict, I might have to cross the river to go to my favorite news stand to get it. I hope you're happy, though I think someone so low as to steal another person's NYT is incapable of ever feeling true happiness. Where evil lurks, good cannot thrive.
What's your favorite section, thief? Do you start with the A section? Sunday Styles? Arts & Leisure? Or do you do what I do, and go straight to Week In Review? I don't know what would strike me as more appalling: a stranger defiling the Week In Review section I should be reading, or that stranger passing by that section, unaware of its goodness. Well, either way, fuck nut, you're on my list.
My fervent hope and prayer is that like St. Paul, you will become struck with the regret and horror of your actions, and dedicate yourself to righting the wrongs you've inflicted upon the world. I am probably not your only victim. Newspaper theft is likely but one of many crimes you have committed. I am saddened by your plight, but not so jaded that I feel you cannot reform. If H.I. McDunnough can escape the clutches of recidivism, then maybe you, too, can find the righteous path.
Of course, maybe it was not a douche biscuit who took my beloved paper, but rather an error on the part of my carrier. If that's the case:
To my fellow human to whose life-strength depends on The New York Times,
Good morning. I hope you are having a good morning, despite the fact that you were probably up way too early. You are a brave soul, with more discipline than me. May you find solace in knowing that you are charged with a sacred task: delivering the news to the thirsty masses. You are entrusted with delivering not just any news, but the Cadillac of newspapers, the Hendrix of guitarists, the "Fear of A Black Planet" of rap albums. You, my friend, are entrusted with the holy grail.
Several obstacles must besiege you each week as you embark on your journey to unite hungry reader with the everso satisfying Sunday Times. I'm sure you have several tales of dodging hobos, dogs and watchful rednecks wary of this person delivering light to the ignorant ones content with the shadows.
It is because I am aware of your burdens that I regret to inform you that a horrible blow has been dealt to justice this morning. Cruel fate has it that I was not united with my Times this morning. I know, I, too, was devastated.
It is not my intent to cause you guilt or ignominy. Neigh, my friend, I would like to use this incident of letting you know the joy I derive on the days you complete your task as charged. I time it such that I leave my front door, grab the Times in its blue sheath and make way to the local Panera just before they stop serving breakfast. I order either a spinach, bacon and egg souffle or a breakfast sammie with either bacon or sausage. I have a very methodical and well-rehearsed routine that plays out over the next hour and a half, and it is this routine that is one of the most cherished parts of my week.
Now, I do not cast blame in your direction. Perhaps it was thieves, dogs or sand people who caused me this pain on this otherwise beautiful April morn. Whatever the case may be, I wanted you to know that your life's work is one that is greatly appreciated, and so much joy can be enjoyed -- or lost -- depending on your success. My future children and/or non-existent dog could even bear your name one day.
Unless, of course, your name is Binyamin.
Love,
Me.
Whew. That was therapeutic.
Survey question
Did YOU take my Sunday Times? And if so, how does it make you feel to know you have caused a poor soul such anguish?
Found Peace of Mind in Playing On Your Fears
"We are benefiting from one thing, and that is the attack on the Twin Towers and Pentagon, and the American struggle in Iraq," Ma'ariv quoted the former prime minister as saying. He reportedly added that these events "swung American public opinion in our favor."
Report: Netanyahu says 9/11 terror attacks good for Israel [Haaretz.com]
I was pretty shocked to read that, and equally shocked that no one else was covering it. A search on Google News showed that The Jerusalem Post and The Jewish Chronicle were touching on it, but for different reasons:
Opposition leader Binyamin Netanyahu was treated respectfully by the 100 members of the foreign press who attended his Israel Project briefing Wednesday. The same day, the Hebrew press was not as kind... The people who had heard him speak at Bar-Ilan University Tuesday were shocked by the headline, which Netanyahu did not say, and which was taken out of context from an answer to a question about the US-Israel relationship.
Netanyahu to 'Post': Iran must be stopped [Jerusalem Post]
Aha!
Next step: tracking down a transcript of what he actually said. From a trustworthy source.
I was sent the link the Haaretz/Reuters story from a friend who's in grad school studying history. He said the comment aligns with what he's read about Netanyahu, and I felt inclined to trust that. "He's read books about him! I've only read articles!"
But now I don't know what to think. It's like last week's "Desperate Housewives" episode, where they led you to think Dana Delaney murdered her husband, but you're not sure if you should accept that. Yes, deciding the veracity of articles read in the international press, and online, no less, is just like deciding to trust a curve ball Mark Cherry has thrown at you.
Side note: I like the name Binyamin. I would not name a kid that, nor would I name my non-existent dog that, but I do like the name.
Report: Netanyahu says 9/11 terror attacks good for Israel [Haaretz.com]
I was pretty shocked to read that, and equally shocked that no one else was covering it. A search on Google News showed that The Jerusalem Post and The Jewish Chronicle were touching on it, but for different reasons:
Opposition leader Binyamin Netanyahu was treated respectfully by the 100 members of the foreign press who attended his Israel Project briefing Wednesday. The same day, the Hebrew press was not as kind... The people who had heard him speak at Bar-Ilan University Tuesday were shocked by the headline, which Netanyahu did not say, and which was taken out of context from an answer to a question about the US-Israel relationship.
Netanyahu to 'Post': Iran must be stopped [Jerusalem Post]
Aha!
Next step: tracking down a transcript of what he actually said. From a trustworthy source.
I was sent the link the Haaretz/Reuters story from a friend who's in grad school studying history. He said the comment aligns with what he's read about Netanyahu, and I felt inclined to trust that. "He's read books about him! I've only read articles!"
But now I don't know what to think. It's like last week's "Desperate Housewives" episode, where they led you to think Dana Delaney murdered her husband, but you're not sure if you should accept that. Yes, deciding the veracity of articles read in the international press, and online, no less, is just like deciding to trust a curve ball Mark Cherry has thrown at you.
Side note: I like the name Binyamin. I would not name a kid that, nor would I name my non-existent dog that, but I do like the name.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Life Just Kind Of Dances Through Ya From Your Smile Down To Your Feet
There are very few things that might be rawer than how my throat felt earlier this week:
*A hooker
*A porn star
*The deal "Enchanted" got at the Oscars
But unless you're Ashley Alexandra Dupre (call girl), Jenna Jameson (porn star) or Amy Adams (star of "Enchanted"), then you were not rawer than my trote.
And I won't even come up with any similes for my runny nose. That would be too sick even for me.
During said illness, my mom forwarded me an e-mail with some non-traditional remedies, both of which involving socks.
The Magic Sock Treatment
1. Warm your feet by taking a bath or soaking your feet in warm water for 5 to 10 minutes. Warm feet will increase the effectiveness of the treatment.
2. Take a pair of light cotton socks and get them wet with cold water.
3. Wring them out thoroughly.
4. Place the cold socks on your warm feet. Cover with thick wool socks (or onesie pajamas). Wool socks are best as they hold the heat in.
5. Go to bed. Avoid getting chilled.
6. The magic sock treatment is best if repeated for three nights in a row, unless otherwise instructed by your physician.
This flies in the face of the conventional wisdom about getting get your feet cold, but the people who advocate it say this remedy draws lymph or blood from one area of the body to another. The "magic sock treatment" is suggested for fever, headache, ear infections and upper respiratory infections.
As I live in a warm climate, I don't own wool socks, and thus, I did not try this one. But I tried the next one.
Vaporub On Your Feet
This one is pretty easy: put Vicks Vaporub generously on the bottom of the feet at bedtime, then cover with socks. I used the Publix brand ("medicated chest rub"), but it still kinda worked. A lot of the advocates of say that you're supposed to feel a sensation all over your body, as if you're being wrapped in a blanket. Maybe I passed out before that would have happened, but I did not feel any blankets.
The e-mail said that this works for the same reason that rubbing garlic on your feet will allow you to taste it. I did not taste the "medicated chest rub," but again, maybe I would have had I not passed out from the other cold meds.
*A hooker
*A porn star
*The deal "Enchanted" got at the Oscars
But unless you're Ashley Alexandra Dupre (call girl), Jenna Jameson (porn star) or Amy Adams (star of "Enchanted"), then you were not rawer than my trote.
And I won't even come up with any similes for my runny nose. That would be too sick even for me.
During said illness, my mom forwarded me an e-mail with some non-traditional remedies, both of which involving socks.
The Magic Sock Treatment
1. Warm your feet by taking a bath or soaking your feet in warm water for 5 to 10 minutes. Warm feet will increase the effectiveness of the treatment.
2. Take a pair of light cotton socks and get them wet with cold water.
3. Wring them out thoroughly.
4. Place the cold socks on your warm feet. Cover with thick wool socks (or onesie pajamas). Wool socks are best as they hold the heat in.
5. Go to bed. Avoid getting chilled.
6. The magic sock treatment is best if repeated for three nights in a row, unless otherwise instructed by your physician.
This flies in the face of the conventional wisdom about getting get your feet cold, but the people who advocate it say this remedy draws lymph or blood from one area of the body to another. The "magic sock treatment" is suggested for fever, headache, ear infections and upper respiratory infections.
As I live in a warm climate, I don't own wool socks, and thus, I did not try this one. But I tried the next one.
Vaporub On Your Feet
This one is pretty easy: put Vicks Vaporub generously on the bottom of the feet at bedtime, then cover with socks. I used the Publix brand ("medicated chest rub"), but it still kinda worked. A lot of the advocates of say that you're supposed to feel a sensation all over your body, as if you're being wrapped in a blanket. Maybe I passed out before that would have happened, but I did not feel any blankets.
The e-mail said that this works for the same reason that rubbing garlic on your feet will allow you to taste it. I did not taste the "medicated chest rub," but again, maybe I would have had I not passed out from the other cold meds.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
You Sold Your Soul To Rock 'N' Roll, Gave Up Control, But Here's Your Loophole
The Amazins' management conceded that an official poll that crowned Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up' as the team's singalong winner was duped by an effort to bombard their contest with spam. So despite 5 million votes, team officials say they it's "highly unlikely" the cheesy one-hit 1980s wonder will be declared victor. Or ever be played again.
The crowd at Tuesday's Shea Stadium home opener booed when the song blasted over the stadium speakers.
Mets management concedes song contest was Rickrolled [Newsday.com]
If they would boo that song, then they deserve whatever song they get. You don't need them, Rick; if you're going to have your image tied to a baseball team, have it tied to a team that will appreciate you.
Of the other songs that are contenders, I have this to say:
1. Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" is maybe the most overplayed of songs from the '80s. No, not just most played, but most overplayed. I have known one guy (currently residing in North Carolina) who can do that song justice on karaoke, but everyone else who attempts it makes me resent Jon Bon Jovi even more. If the Mets have this as their song, they will have branded themselves as a douche-y ball club.
2. Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" is a great song for a ball game. At Fenway Park. The Red Sox have that, and I believe they do it in the seventh inning, not the eighth. And a lot of minor league teams use that song. I don't think that's an image the Mets would want. Of course, using that song might provoke Yankee fans near Shea Stadium at the time to start fights. And though I'm a pacifist myself, I'm also a firm believer in Darwinism.
I'm at least glad that "Never Gonna Give You Up" was played, and on opening night, no less. A friend had sent me some heartbreaking news from the Internets that said song might not even get played. Ever. I was pissed. "Election fraud! Don't those motherfuckers know of the election bullshit going on in Zimbabwe?" But as Google News alerts came in, I learned that cooler heads prevailed and indeed, Shea Stadium was Rickrolled. Even if for just one day.
Survey question
It's been a while since we had a survey question, so I will offer a few options, just like the Mets did. But these options will be better.
1. What song would you pick for the eighth inning sing-along?
2. What team would deem deserving of "Never Gonna Give You" up?
3. Will Rickrolling ever end?
4. What will/should be the new Rickrolling?
The crowd at Tuesday's Shea Stadium home opener booed when the song blasted over the stadium speakers.
Mets management concedes song contest was Rickrolled [Newsday.com]
If they would boo that song, then they deserve whatever song they get. You don't need them, Rick; if you're going to have your image tied to a baseball team, have it tied to a team that will appreciate you.
Of the other songs that are contenders, I have this to say:
1. Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" is maybe the most overplayed of songs from the '80s. No, not just most played, but most overplayed. I have known one guy (currently residing in North Carolina) who can do that song justice on karaoke, but everyone else who attempts it makes me resent Jon Bon Jovi even more. If the Mets have this as their song, they will have branded themselves as a douche-y ball club.
2. Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" is a great song for a ball game. At Fenway Park. The Red Sox have that, and I believe they do it in the seventh inning, not the eighth. And a lot of minor league teams use that song. I don't think that's an image the Mets would want. Of course, using that song might provoke Yankee fans near Shea Stadium at the time to start fights. And though I'm a pacifist myself, I'm also a firm believer in Darwinism.
I'm at least glad that "Never Gonna Give You Up" was played, and on opening night, no less. A friend had sent me some heartbreaking news from the Internets that said song might not even get played. Ever. I was pissed. "Election fraud! Don't those motherfuckers know of the election bullshit going on in Zimbabwe?" But as Google News alerts came in, I learned that cooler heads prevailed and indeed, Shea Stadium was Rickrolled. Even if for just one day.
Survey question
It's been a while since we had a survey question, so I will offer a few options, just like the Mets did. But these options will be better.
1. What song would you pick for the eighth inning sing-along?
2. What team would deem deserving of "Never Gonna Give You" up?
3. Will Rickrolling ever end?
4. What will/should be the new Rickrolling?
Sunday, April 6, 2008
'Cause You Only Play The Games That You Know You Can Lose
The Mets have put out a survey asking people what song should be played during the eighth inning. They've got a list of about 10 or so songs, but they they also have an "other" option in which you can write in your own suggestion. There's a movement on the Internets to Rickroll the Mets by having as many people as possible put "Never Gonna Give You Up" as the write-in song.
This is a Rickrolling I support.
To vote, go here. Voting ends at noon on Monday, April 7. So, hurry up.
This is a Rickrolling I support.
To vote, go here. Voting ends at noon on Monday, April 7. So, hurry up.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Well, I'm A Fool, There's No Doubt
I'm no casual Rick Astley fan. I have known all the words to "Never Gonna Give You Up" for most of my karaoke career. I can distinguish the instrumentals from "Together Forever," "Never Gonna Give You Up" and "Whenever You Need Somebody," as most of my car CDs have had at least one of those songs on them. Most telling, I think, are the notebooks from first grade on which I wrote "I (heart) Rick Astley."
I can handle the man's cheese.
But I'm OK if I don't get "Rickrolled" again for a while.
A lot of jokesters out there have redirected links such that if you click on something, rather than go to your desired Web site, you instead get taken to the YouTube video of "Never Gonna Give You Up." Sometimes there's a note that says, "You've been Rickrolled." It confuses me, and thus any sense of being amused is replaced by my irritation and annoyance at having been distracted. I'm OK for randomness in movies, but for some reason, a link that appears broken and leads me to a wrong site annoys me.
And I guess that's the point of an April Fool's Joke.
No fewer than three times yesterday, I was relinked to that fucking video. YouTube was Rickrolling everyone who clicked on the featured videos. If you're not in the know, you might think the links were wrong. I can only imagine the cursing from offices of men like my father, for whom Internet humor is as foreign as Rick Astley. Actually, I can more than imagine it, because I was kinda pissy every time I clicked on something that turned out to be a gag or some such shit.
I don't remember feeling this grumpy during April Fool's Days of long ago. I don't remember there being as many gimmicks, but that surely can't be right. There had to have been tricks and jokes before this year. Maybe I'm just a prick.
I can handle the man's cheese.
But I'm OK if I don't get "Rickrolled" again for a while.
A lot of jokesters out there have redirected links such that if you click on something, rather than go to your desired Web site, you instead get taken to the YouTube video of "Never Gonna Give You Up." Sometimes there's a note that says, "You've been Rickrolled." It confuses me, and thus any sense of being amused is replaced by my irritation and annoyance at having been distracted. I'm OK for randomness in movies, but for some reason, a link that appears broken and leads me to a wrong site annoys me.
And I guess that's the point of an April Fool's Joke.
No fewer than three times yesterday, I was relinked to that fucking video. YouTube was Rickrolling everyone who clicked on the featured videos. If you're not in the know, you might think the links were wrong. I can only imagine the cursing from offices of men like my father, for whom Internet humor is as foreign as Rick Astley. Actually, I can more than imagine it, because I was kinda pissy every time I clicked on something that turned out to be a gag or some such shit.
I don't remember feeling this grumpy during April Fool's Days of long ago. I don't remember there being as many gimmicks, but that surely can't be right. There had to have been tricks and jokes before this year. Maybe I'm just a prick.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
In Las Vegas, Where The Electric Bills Are Staggering
A friend has solicited help in tracking down male dancers for a bachelorette party. After searching the Internets, I found a site that helps you find strippers that will come to you. That same site hinted that depending on your location, you could find "novelty dancers."
The vague term covers everything from fat women in French maid dresses to fat guys in overalls. There's a certain theme there. But then I noticed on a related site that you can get something a little different for your bachelor/bachelorette party.
A midget.
Now, the sites I found don't outright say whether the individual would be stripping, but all signs point to no. Instead, these people would be there to hang out for the night. Essentially, they're your escorts. And not in the "Client Number Nine" kind of way. They're just little guys (and gals, I'm guessing) who for that night are part of your posse.
The only sites I could find for renting midget companions were for companies based in California or Nevada. A friend's boyfriend was in Vegas for a bachelor party and one of the bachelor's friends had made arrangements to have a midget for the party. Apparently one of the friends freaked out and the plan was canceled.
Anywho, I haven't been able to meet my friend's initial need, which was for a male stripper for her friend's hen party. And instead I found midgets. In a part of the country miles away from said hen party.
But if you are looking for a midget stripper, the most famous one traveling the U.S. has to be Bridget the Midget. I once lived somewhere where she would visit and a friend of mine was planning an outing until she learned Bridget was pregnant.
"I can support a lot of things, but that don't feel right."
The vague term covers everything from fat women in French maid dresses to fat guys in overalls. There's a certain theme there. But then I noticed on a related site that you can get something a little different for your bachelor/bachelorette party.
A midget.
Now, the sites I found don't outright say whether the individual would be stripping, but all signs point to no. Instead, these people would be there to hang out for the night. Essentially, they're your escorts. And not in the "Client Number Nine" kind of way. They're just little guys (and gals, I'm guessing) who for that night are part of your posse.
The only sites I could find for renting midget companions were for companies based in California or Nevada. A friend's boyfriend was in Vegas for a bachelor party and one of the bachelor's friends had made arrangements to have a midget for the party. Apparently one of the friends freaked out and the plan was canceled.
Anywho, I haven't been able to meet my friend's initial need, which was for a male stripper for her friend's hen party. And instead I found midgets. In a part of the country miles away from said hen party.
But if you are looking for a midget stripper, the most famous one traveling the U.S. has to be Bridget the Midget. I once lived somewhere where she would visit and a friend of mine was planning an outing until she learned Bridget was pregnant.
"I can support a lot of things, but that don't feel right."
Friday, March 28, 2008
Fido, Your Leash Is Too Long
I'm conflicted.
In the course of my travels in the past few weeks, I have come in contact with not one but two really good guys. On the one hand, these guys are dependable companions, eager to see me and offer support. On the other hand, they're needy and require lots of attention.
But they're lovable, and they both really seem to dig me.
And deep down, I know they're really dogs.
No, really, they are. One is a golden retriever and the other is a Cavalier King Charles. They will sit when you tell them to, and unlike the dog I had growing up, they won't shit in the house.
The conflict is not whether to take these dogs, as these dogs are already taken. Neigh, the conflict is whether I should look into one for myself. Not in the immediate future, but in the future at all. I live alone, work odd hours, and can be away from home for long periods of time. Those three facts are not subject to change any time soon, and I don't want any dog to suffer because I'm a Susan Smith of a parent.
I'm in no position to have that kind of responsibility. I have a fish, and feeding him is a chore. But I guess a dog can remind you when he's hungry. That fish never comes into the main room to let me know he's here. And if he whimpers at all, I can't hear him.
But consider what these dogs can do:
*Roll over!
*Play dead!
*Shake your hand!
Granted, they'd probably do that if you didn't feed them. Or if you gave them lots of sugar.
But aren't those tricks cool? The neighborhood hobos can't even do those things. Dogs 1, bums zilch.
Survey question
What should I name my non-existent dog?
So far, I like:
*Axl
*Lusty
*Chow Mein
*The Enforcer
*Client Number Nine
In the course of my travels in the past few weeks, I have come in contact with not one but two really good guys. On the one hand, these guys are dependable companions, eager to see me and offer support. On the other hand, they're needy and require lots of attention.
But they're lovable, and they both really seem to dig me.
And deep down, I know they're really dogs.
No, really, they are. One is a golden retriever and the other is a Cavalier King Charles. They will sit when you tell them to, and unlike the dog I had growing up, they won't shit in the house.
The conflict is not whether to take these dogs, as these dogs are already taken. Neigh, the conflict is whether I should look into one for myself. Not in the immediate future, but in the future at all. I live alone, work odd hours, and can be away from home for long periods of time. Those three facts are not subject to change any time soon, and I don't want any dog to suffer because I'm a Susan Smith of a parent.
I'm in no position to have that kind of responsibility. I have a fish, and feeding him is a chore. But I guess a dog can remind you when he's hungry. That fish never comes into the main room to let me know he's here. And if he whimpers at all, I can't hear him.
But consider what these dogs can do:
*Roll over!
*Play dead!
*Shake your hand!
Granted, they'd probably do that if you didn't feed them. Or if you gave them lots of sugar.
But aren't those tricks cool? The neighborhood hobos can't even do those things. Dogs 1, bums zilch.
Survey question
What should I name my non-existent dog?
So far, I like:
*Axl
*Lusty
*Chow Mein
*The Enforcer
*Client Number Nine
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Two Characters In Search of a Country Song
The VFW near me has karaoke on Wednesdays and Fridays, and on some other special occasions. The crowd is very specific in its tastes; you'll hear either country or western, and if you're looking for Hank Williams Jr., that's probably too new of a selection. And probably too cheery.
Fortunately, the people who run the karaoke don't mind if you bring your own CDs. I don't have any, but my friend has a verifiable shitload. I've attempted "Bust A Move" and J. Geils' "Centerfold," but my main anthem on these nights is "Keep on Lovin' You."
For the regulars, though, the artists of choice are Loretta Lynn, George Strait and Tammy Wynette. They sometimes sing love songs, if we're lucky, but even those renditions sound like funeral hymns. The more common serenades involve tales of loved ones dying, husbands cheating, women coming to terms with domestic abuse and people wanting to die.
After a few outings to said karaoke nights, I've determined there aren't topics off limits for country songs, but rather topics that just haven't been written into a country song yet. After a pitcher of Bud Light (the "good stuff" in a joint like this), I ended up brainstorming some ideas that would be great fodder for a slow ballad to be sung with a twang and a lonely guitar:
*Fetal alcohol syndrome
*Cerebral palsy
*Incontinence
*"Burning dinner"
*Wheelchair fights
*KFC going zero trans fat
*Mexican workers
*Apartheid
*"Walking into it"
*Hassles at the DMV
*Finding a couch
*Mike Huckabee
I think there were a few dozen more on the list, and they seemed way funnier when I wrote them down, as I had a good buzz going. But there are so many patriotic songs post-9/11 that it would not surprise me if there were songs about Terri Schiavo. I know, I know, Bruce Springsteen had a whole album post-9/11, but he didn't sing about delivering an ass-kicking courtesy of the red, white and blue. And if he did write a song about Schiavo, he'd probably make it some introspective tune about the orderly who had to change her bed pan. Or maybe not, I'm no poet.
Fortunately, the people who run the karaoke don't mind if you bring your own CDs. I don't have any, but my friend has a verifiable shitload. I've attempted "Bust A Move" and J. Geils' "Centerfold," but my main anthem on these nights is "Keep on Lovin' You."
For the regulars, though, the artists of choice are Loretta Lynn, George Strait and Tammy Wynette. They sometimes sing love songs, if we're lucky, but even those renditions sound like funeral hymns. The more common serenades involve tales of loved ones dying, husbands cheating, women coming to terms with domestic abuse and people wanting to die.
After a few outings to said karaoke nights, I've determined there aren't topics off limits for country songs, but rather topics that just haven't been written into a country song yet. After a pitcher of Bud Light (the "good stuff" in a joint like this), I ended up brainstorming some ideas that would be great fodder for a slow ballad to be sung with a twang and a lonely guitar:
*Fetal alcohol syndrome
*Cerebral palsy
*Incontinence
*"Burning dinner"
*Wheelchair fights
*KFC going zero trans fat
*Mexican workers
*Apartheid
*"Walking into it"
*Hassles at the DMV
*Finding a couch
*Mike Huckabee
I think there were a few dozen more on the list, and they seemed way funnier when I wrote them down, as I had a good buzz going. But there are so many patriotic songs post-9/11 that it would not surprise me if there were songs about Terri Schiavo. I know, I know, Bruce Springsteen had a whole album post-9/11, but he didn't sing about delivering an ass-kicking courtesy of the red, white and blue. And if he did write a song about Schiavo, he'd probably make it some introspective tune about the orderly who had to change her bed pan. Or maybe not, I'm no poet.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Making Maps of an Unseen Plane
In the last two weeks, I've been in my apartment maybe four or five days. A schedule of travel puts me even more behind in my blogging. I like traveling, but I don't like being behind. Or fatigued.
People-watching in airports is probably one of the more unique brands of the sport because of the variety. People will be boarding flights for job interviews, funerals, weddings, vacations, tournaments, college visits, conventions, whatever. Hospitals, however, don't have the same range of emotions. If you're in a hospital, you're probably worried about someone. Even if you're waiting for someone to give birth, you're probably hoping and praying that the mom and baby make it through alive. Which is good, because otherwise you'd be a heartless bastard. Malls don't have much of a range, either, because most of the people there are bored.
My only quibble, and it's not even a quibble so much as an observation, is this: I don't think I have ever seen a fight at an airport. At bars, dance clubs and junior high schools, I have witnessed some great hair-pulling and spitting, but airports have left me without the satisfaction of chanting "Oooh!" or "You get her!" I imagine that TSA has created an atmosphere in which no one wants to try that, and one in which no one could try that.
A fight before my Phoenix flight might have had the people sitting next to me on edge enough that they wouldn't have been so talkative. Now, I'm a talker myself, but I also can take a hint. If I'm chatting you up and I can tell you'd rather be eaten by fire ants, I move along until the next person lets me know she'd rather be eaten by fire ants, too. But on a plane, you can't leave.
I know of someone who keeps the Book of Mormon with her when flying. When the people sitting next to her won't take the hint that she's not in the mood to chat, she pulls out the book and asks, "Have you heard of the prophet Joseph Smith?"
That usually shuts them up and she gets her peace.
Survey question
In which vessel would you prefer to fly: the Millennium Falcon, the USS Enterprise or the Winnebago from "Spaceballs"?
I'm going to say the Enterprise, simply because it has a bar and you can walk around inside it pretty freely.
People-watching in airports is probably one of the more unique brands of the sport because of the variety. People will be boarding flights for job interviews, funerals, weddings, vacations, tournaments, college visits, conventions, whatever. Hospitals, however, don't have the same range of emotions. If you're in a hospital, you're probably worried about someone. Even if you're waiting for someone to give birth, you're probably hoping and praying that the mom and baby make it through alive. Which is good, because otherwise you'd be a heartless bastard. Malls don't have much of a range, either, because most of the people there are bored.
My only quibble, and it's not even a quibble so much as an observation, is this: I don't think I have ever seen a fight at an airport. At bars, dance clubs and junior high schools, I have witnessed some great hair-pulling and spitting, but airports have left me without the satisfaction of chanting "Oooh!" or "You get her!" I imagine that TSA has created an atmosphere in which no one wants to try that, and one in which no one could try that.
A fight before my Phoenix flight might have had the people sitting next to me on edge enough that they wouldn't have been so talkative. Now, I'm a talker myself, but I also can take a hint. If I'm chatting you up and I can tell you'd rather be eaten by fire ants, I move along until the next person lets me know she'd rather be eaten by fire ants, too. But on a plane, you can't leave.
I know of someone who keeps the Book of Mormon with her when flying. When the people sitting next to her won't take the hint that she's not in the mood to chat, she pulls out the book and asks, "Have you heard of the prophet Joseph Smith?"
That usually shuts them up and she gets her peace.
Survey question
In which vessel would you prefer to fly: the Millennium Falcon, the USS Enterprise or the Winnebago from "Spaceballs"?
I'm going to say the Enterprise, simply because it has a bar and you can walk around inside it pretty freely.
Friday, March 7, 2008
I Think I Need A New Heart
My nephew called my mom to tell her he's raising money for heart disease awareness through some program at his school. He told my mom he's been calling "various family members" but she figured that when I didn't get the call, he must have meant "grandparents."
Turns out I didn't get the call because my sister took the phone away from him. Not only because he's been calling everyone in her phone, but also because he sets a new ring tone every day and my sister doesn't recognize her phone when it rings. Similarly, my brother set my mom's ring tone as "Whoop! There It Is." I love calling her when she's in the grocery store and she's forgotten to turn her phone on silent.
Apparently, my nephew hasn't even brought any paperwork home about this program. So I told my sister that I'd donate only when she has seen the documents and can prove that it's legit. I want to make sure I'm funding something reputable. Bum tickers? Yes. Whoopie cushions and Starburts? No.
And the real kicker is that there's a prize for getting the most donations: a lunch box with a radio inside and $300. Which is a little much for third-graders. I work for a living. Where's my radio and $300?
So now I have to donate. The idea of some other kid getting that just breaks my heart.
Turns out I didn't get the call because my sister took the phone away from him. Not only because he's been calling everyone in her phone, but also because he sets a new ring tone every day and my sister doesn't recognize her phone when it rings. Similarly, my brother set my mom's ring tone as "Whoop! There It Is." I love calling her when she's in the grocery store and she's forgotten to turn her phone on silent.
Apparently, my nephew hasn't even brought any paperwork home about this program. So I told my sister that I'd donate only when she has seen the documents and can prove that it's legit. I want to make sure I'm funding something reputable. Bum tickers? Yes. Whoopie cushions and Starburts? No.
And the real kicker is that there's a prize for getting the most donations: a lunch box with a radio inside and $300. Which is a little much for third-graders. I work for a living. Where's my radio and $300?
So now I have to donate. The idea of some other kid getting that just breaks my heart.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Take Ecstasy With Me
Valerie Bertinelli recently announced that she cheated and used drugs when married to Eddie Van Halen.
I can't think of anything to type. What's I'm finding the most hilarious about this is that it's only getting mild attention, and that's the way it should be. What the real nut of this story is that she thinks it would be news, or that 20 years later, we'd give a shit.
A former child actress married to a rock star for one of the most popular bands of the 1980s used drugs and cheated.
Let's boil this down:
*Child actress
*Rock band
*1980s
*Last role was....?
You bet your ass she's done drugs. The real story would be if she hadn't done drugs. That this is even a story at all makes me think I need some drugs.
Survey question
Van Halen: David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?
I can't think of anything to type. What's I'm finding the most hilarious about this is that it's only getting mild attention, and that's the way it should be. What the real nut of this story is that she thinks it would be news, or that 20 years later, we'd give a shit.
A former child actress married to a rock star for one of the most popular bands of the 1980s used drugs and cheated.
Let's boil this down:
*Child actress
*Rock band
*1980s
*Last role was....?
You bet your ass she's done drugs. The real story would be if she hadn't done drugs. That this is even a story at all makes me think I need some drugs.
Survey question
Van Halen: David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
You Think Your Youth a Permanent Truth
Some local organizations played host to an '80s prom last night as a benefit for kids with cancer. Or at least that's what it sounded like to me. I was pretty ripped. Point is, there was an '80s prom and sick kids were the cause du jour.
Anywho, it was held at this restaurant and brewery overlooking the river and it looked like the setting for some '80s movie: expensive boats, glitter streamers, balloon arches, etc. At least half the guys there were dressed like Glenn from "The Wedding Singer," which seemed like appropriate costumes since they all seemed to have that same personality. Thus, my friend and I were the perennial Robbies of the night. Unlike Robbie, thugh, we did not end up with Drew Barrymore, nor did we get to see Billy Idol on a plane. And unless I was really drunk, I don't think we even ended up on a plane.
The real noteworthy costumes were what the women were wearing. There were a lot of 20-somethings in spandex, jean cut-offs, New Kids shirts and other things that have earned the latter-day '80s designation. I think for most of the 20-somethings there last night, our knowledge of '80s fashion comes from what we've seen in movies and on TV. There were people who looked a lot less garish last night and when I saw their faces i realized they were probably around for the '80s the first time. Those people were probably able to just pull something out of their closet and didn't have to go to discount stores or the mall. Their outfits were authentic and that is why they didn't seem to match what the rest of us were wearing.
I then tried to identify what about the '80s is so appealing to people who would have been zygotes in this era. We certainly never wore the outfits we wear to events such as this and '80s dance night. I like to go for the music, but I'm probably a rarity in my passion for new wave. I think it comes down to escapism and nostalgia. Again, it's not nostalgia for for the outfits or music for most of these people, but for some time that isn't now. It could be a '20s party where you come as a flapper and it wouldn't matter. Approximating the outfit to actual styles of the time isn't the point, but rather allowing yourself a new identity in the form of dress-up. That's why there are so many caricature outfits that would never have actually been worn in the '80s. And that, I think, is the real point.
There was one girl who wore a hat that for some reason made me think of Anna from "The O.C." I approached her to tell her this, and she said, "Let's go dance." She thought my friend and I were couple, and we thought she was kind of hardcore. I liked her "I slept with Madonna" button she was wearing, but I don't think she liked my "I slept with Boy George" button. She that introduced us to her friend who was wearing a dress that looked like Ellen Burstyn's dress in "Requiem For A Dream." A guy who later said he was her husband asked us to smack her ass, and we asked to be excused. It was time to hunt for more beers.
I did, however, learn a great joke last night:
Q: What has nine arms and sucks?
A: Def Leppard.
Survey question
Why would you go to an '80s night? Or if you wouldn't, why wouldn't you?
Anywho, it was held at this restaurant and brewery overlooking the river and it looked like the setting for some '80s movie: expensive boats, glitter streamers, balloon arches, etc. At least half the guys there were dressed like Glenn from "The Wedding Singer," which seemed like appropriate costumes since they all seemed to have that same personality. Thus, my friend and I were the perennial Robbies of the night. Unlike Robbie, thugh, we did not end up with Drew Barrymore, nor did we get to see Billy Idol on a plane. And unless I was really drunk, I don't think we even ended up on a plane.
The real noteworthy costumes were what the women were wearing. There were a lot of 20-somethings in spandex, jean cut-offs, New Kids shirts and other things that have earned the latter-day '80s designation. I think for most of the 20-somethings there last night, our knowledge of '80s fashion comes from what we've seen in movies and on TV. There were people who looked a lot less garish last night and when I saw their faces i realized they were probably around for the '80s the first time. Those people were probably able to just pull something out of their closet and didn't have to go to discount stores or the mall. Their outfits were authentic and that is why they didn't seem to match what the rest of us were wearing.
I then tried to identify what about the '80s is so appealing to people who would have been zygotes in this era. We certainly never wore the outfits we wear to events such as this and '80s dance night. I like to go for the music, but I'm probably a rarity in my passion for new wave. I think it comes down to escapism and nostalgia. Again, it's not nostalgia for for the outfits or music for most of these people, but for some time that isn't now. It could be a '20s party where you come as a flapper and it wouldn't matter. Approximating the outfit to actual styles of the time isn't the point, but rather allowing yourself a new identity in the form of dress-up. That's why there are so many caricature outfits that would never have actually been worn in the '80s. And that, I think, is the real point.
There was one girl who wore a hat that for some reason made me think of Anna from "The O.C." I approached her to tell her this, and she said, "Let's go dance." She thought my friend and I were couple, and we thought she was kind of hardcore. I liked her "I slept with Madonna" button she was wearing, but I don't think she liked my "I slept with Boy George" button. She that introduced us to her friend who was wearing a dress that looked like Ellen Burstyn's dress in "Requiem For A Dream." A guy who later said he was her husband asked us to smack her ass, and we asked to be excused. It was time to hunt for more beers.
I did, however, learn a great joke last night:
Q: What has nine arms and sucks?
A: Def Leppard.
Survey question
Why would you go to an '80s night? Or if you wouldn't, why wouldn't you?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Experimental Music Love
OkCupid is a site that, similar to Match.com and eHarmony, matches potential mates. It also matches potential "friends" looking for "activity partners," which is a separate designation from "casual sex partners." Unlike those two other sites, OkCupid is free. Meaning there's a lot of funnier shit on there.
Two co-workers encouraged me to join. I was hesitant at first, but I realized I was missing the potential boon in joining. I was probably not going to find Mr. or Ms. Right in all this, but I'd probably get an amusing story. And that, my friends, has been a determining factor in most of the decisions I have made since turning 18.
Amusing anecdotes start now.
The site ranks your matches based on how many questions they answer in the way you'd want them to answer them. So, they will ask the question, ask for your answer, how your ideal match would answer that question, and how relevant his/her answer would be. The questions range from lifestyle (How often do you drink? Use the computer? Wash your towels?) to sexual (Do you want to be dominated? Do you want to wear a costume? Would you act out a rape fantasy?) to more serious (Would you abort a retarded baby?) and the like.
Some of the user-generated questions are the real gems of the site. Once you've answered 500 or more questions, you earn the privilege of writing your own questions.
The following are actual questions that users have submitted and have thus made it into OkCupid's rotation:
Q: If you were offered the opportunity to eat human meat prepared any way you like, would you at least try it?
I'd like it as a pan-fry skillet at Famous Amos.
Q: Imagine that you discover your lover incapacitated due to alcohol and/or drugs. He or she has left a note requesting that you take sexual advantage of him or her. What would you do?
Put her on the sofa. I don't want her vomiting on my couch.
Q: Imagine that while passing by on a walk, you see another adult kick their dog - hard. How would you respond?
I'd kick the person who wrote this question and who mixed singular and plural possessives.
Q: Imagine you are at a busy event when you come across a child who appears to be lost, alone, and distressed. How would you respond?
"You like gladiator movies?"
Q: Would it bother you if you were sleeping and your lover started fondling you to initiate sex?
Only if I were dreaming of having sex with someone I liked more.
There are more, but I think you get the idea. These questions probably shouldn't amuse me as much as they do, but then again, I am someone who appreciates a good knock-knock joke. So I'm easily entertained. I have answered more than 900 questions, partly because I want to see more questions. But now I want to write my own questions.
Possibility:
Q: If I were to say, "Today was a good day," what would you say?
A: "I didn't even have to use my AK!"
Survey question
What do YOU think I should put as a question? Keep in mind, I'm not looking for Ms. or Mr. Right. I'm looking for a good anecdote to put on this blog.
Two co-workers encouraged me to join. I was hesitant at first, but I realized I was missing the potential boon in joining. I was probably not going to find Mr. or Ms. Right in all this, but I'd probably get an amusing story. And that, my friends, has been a determining factor in most of the decisions I have made since turning 18.
Amusing anecdotes start now.
The site ranks your matches based on how many questions they answer in the way you'd want them to answer them. So, they will ask the question, ask for your answer, how your ideal match would answer that question, and how relevant his/her answer would be. The questions range from lifestyle (How often do you drink? Use the computer? Wash your towels?) to sexual (Do you want to be dominated? Do you want to wear a costume? Would you act out a rape fantasy?) to more serious (Would you abort a retarded baby?) and the like.
Some of the user-generated questions are the real gems of the site. Once you've answered 500 or more questions, you earn the privilege of writing your own questions.
The following are actual questions that users have submitted and have thus made it into OkCupid's rotation:
Q: If you were offered the opportunity to eat human meat prepared any way you like, would you at least try it?
I'd like it as a pan-fry skillet at Famous Amos.
Q: Imagine that you discover your lover incapacitated due to alcohol and/or drugs. He or she has left a note requesting that you take sexual advantage of him or her. What would you do?
Put her on the sofa. I don't want her vomiting on my couch.
Q: Imagine that while passing by on a walk, you see another adult kick their dog - hard. How would you respond?
I'd kick the person who wrote this question and who mixed singular and plural possessives.
Q: Imagine you are at a busy event when you come across a child who appears to be lost, alone, and distressed. How would you respond?
"You like gladiator movies?"
Q: Would it bother you if you were sleeping and your lover started fondling you to initiate sex?
Only if I were dreaming of having sex with someone I liked more.
There are more, but I think you get the idea. These questions probably shouldn't amuse me as much as they do, but then again, I am someone who appreciates a good knock-knock joke. So I'm easily entertained. I have answered more than 900 questions, partly because I want to see more questions. But now I want to write my own questions.
Possibility:
Q: If I were to say, "Today was a good day," what would you say?
A: "I didn't even have to use my AK!"
Survey question
What do YOU think I should put as a question? Keep in mind, I'm not looking for Ms. or Mr. Right. I'm looking for a good anecdote to put on this blog.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The Flowers She Sent and the Flowers She Said She Sent
Valentine's Day can be romantic if you're in a relationship, and that person lives near you, and things are going smoothly.
But for the rest of us, it can be a real douche of a day.
So, here are some things you can do to make today a fun day for yourself.
1. Bring cookies to work. Share them only with single people or people whose significant others are out of town or in a coma. Widows and widowers get double cookies. (Unless they're remarried.)
2. For the daring baker, get a heart-shaped pan and make a cookie cake. Again, share only with single people or people whose loved ones are away/dead/comatose. My mom sent me a heart-shaped cookie my freshman year in college and I was successful in keeping it away from couples, until couple who lived on the floor stole it. And ate it.
3. Get a group of single people or people whose loved ones are away/dead/comatose and treat yourselves to a nice dinner. Dress up and the wine flow.
4. Have a movie night. Romantic comedies might depress you by reminding you of what you don't have, but movies about dysfunctional relationships might depress you by reminding you of what is wrong with your life. Thus, John Cusack movies should probably be skipped. Try a zombie flick.
5. Treat yourself throughout the day. A coffee, a nice lunch, a new book, etc. It's nothing compared to the shit that you'd be paying for if you were celebrating a conventional Valentine's Day.
6. Pick a different day to celebrate Valentine's Day. Most couples put stock in their anniversary or the day they met. You can pick August 14, which is exactly a half year away.
7. Call someone up and say, "Happy VD." When they say, "Happy Valentine's Day to you, too," say, "No, VD. Venereal disease. I have one." Then hang up. The best people to call on that are ex-girlfriends, girlfriend's mothers, convents and pawn shops. Why pawn shops? People will ask to buy anything.
8. Visit someone, like a grandparent or an aunt or an uncle. If you can't visit them, call them. They'll appreciate it and it will remind you that you don't have to have the Hallmark kind of life.
9. Hang out at a flower shop. Guys buying flowers can be an awesome thing to behold. Especially if one of them is wearing gold chains and telling his friend to buy the baby's breath. It's a true story, and your mission is to go into a flower shop and witness something funnier.
Survey question
What would YOU add to the list?
But for the rest of us, it can be a real douche of a day.
So, here are some things you can do to make today a fun day for yourself.
1. Bring cookies to work. Share them only with single people or people whose significant others are out of town or in a coma. Widows and widowers get double cookies. (Unless they're remarried.)
2. For the daring baker, get a heart-shaped pan and make a cookie cake. Again, share only with single people or people whose loved ones are away/dead/comatose. My mom sent me a heart-shaped cookie my freshman year in college and I was successful in keeping it away from couples, until couple who lived on the floor stole it. And ate it.
3. Get a group of single people or people whose loved ones are away/dead/comatose and treat yourselves to a nice dinner. Dress up and the wine flow.
4. Have a movie night. Romantic comedies might depress you by reminding you of what you don't have, but movies about dysfunctional relationships might depress you by reminding you of what is wrong with your life. Thus, John Cusack movies should probably be skipped. Try a zombie flick.
5. Treat yourself throughout the day. A coffee, a nice lunch, a new book, etc. It's nothing compared to the shit that you'd be paying for if you were celebrating a conventional Valentine's Day.
6. Pick a different day to celebrate Valentine's Day. Most couples put stock in their anniversary or the day they met. You can pick August 14, which is exactly a half year away.
7. Call someone up and say, "Happy VD." When they say, "Happy Valentine's Day to you, too," say, "No, VD. Venereal disease. I have one." Then hang up. The best people to call on that are ex-girlfriends, girlfriend's mothers, convents and pawn shops. Why pawn shops? People will ask to buy anything.
8. Visit someone, like a grandparent or an aunt or an uncle. If you can't visit them, call them. They'll appreciate it and it will remind you that you don't have to have the Hallmark kind of life.
9. Hang out at a flower shop. Guys buying flowers can be an awesome thing to behold. Especially if one of them is wearing gold chains and telling his friend to buy the baby's breath. It's a true story, and your mission is to go into a flower shop and witness something funnier.
Survey question
What would YOU add to the list?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The consumer's king and unhappiness is treason
"I worshipped George Lucas. I spent so much money on that guy's bullshit, but now, to me, I look at those two movies as betrayal. To me it's like, your uncle put his wiener near your mouth."
--Comedian Brian Posehn on the first two prequels
I've seen some of the "Clone Wars" shorts from Cartoon Network and they're not bad. If anything, they're enjoyable because you don't have to watch actors stumble through the bad dialogue. You only have to hear them.
But I'll go see it, because I'm a sucker for punishment. The timing on this is pretty good, because since 1999, George Lucas has been disppointing me once every three years. Last time was 2005 and I was beginning to ease up on my stance that he was an opportunist who had o problem pissing on the legacy of good movies. But it looks like he has a full bladder.
'Star Wars: The Clone Wars' due Aug. 15 [The Los Angeles Times]
Survey question
Does every great movie series, TV series, band, etc. have a weak link that die-hard fans dismiss as apocrypha? "Star Wars" has the prequels, "The Godfather" has part III, "The Golden Girls" have the "Golden Palace" years. Can this be said of all great things, and how badly does the shitty release affect the over all series/band/etc.?
--Comedian Brian Posehn on the first two prequels
I've seen some of the "Clone Wars" shorts from Cartoon Network and they're not bad. If anything, they're enjoyable because you don't have to watch actors stumble through the bad dialogue. You only have to hear them.
But I'll go see it, because I'm a sucker for punishment. The timing on this is pretty good, because since 1999, George Lucas has been disppointing me once every three years. Last time was 2005 and I was beginning to ease up on my stance that he was an opportunist who had o problem pissing on the legacy of good movies. But it looks like he has a full bladder.
'Star Wars: The Clone Wars' due Aug. 15 [The Los Angeles Times]
Survey question
Does every great movie series, TV series, band, etc. have a weak link that die-hard fans dismiss as apocrypha? "Star Wars" has the prequels, "The Godfather" has part III, "The Golden Girls" have the "Golden Palace" years. Can this be said of all great things, and how badly does the shitty release affect the over all series/band/etc.?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
It's A Crime
Finally, I can understand the countless references and quotes.
After 26 years on this planet, I have finally seen "The Godfather."
You read that correctly. Until Tuesday, February 5, 2008, I had not seen "The Godfather," often cited as the best movie ever made. Easily the most spoofed, referenced and quoted movie ever made, too.
The ramifications of this are astounding. It's a classic in this country and I bet that there are more Americans who've seen this movie than there are Americans who've read the Bible. You could sooner find someone who'd admit to voting for Bush or Nader than you could find someone who hadn't seen that movie. You'd think that after four years of college, two of which I lived in a dorm, I would have been cured of this condition. Weirdly enough, the movie is one of of four movies upon which my family members can agree. ("Star Wars," "Animal House" and "The Blues Brothers" are the other three. Don't worry; I've seen all those.)
What's more amazing is that I'm supposed to be a movie buff. Or so people think, and I gladly let them think so. I talk about movies ad nauseam and go through Netflix rentals "like water." I've seen "Howard The Duck," "Elizabethtown" and "How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days," but it took me 26 years to see "The Godfather."
I fucking loved it. The plot, the dialogue, the colors, the cinematography, the music, the way they showed doors, everything. I should be beat down for not having seen said movie until now. I hadn't seen "Sling Blade" or "The Graduate" until a few weeks ago, or "Silence Of The Lambs" until a few years ago, but I need a good whoopin' for this cinematic transgression. Holy motherfuck.
Survey question
What's the most shocking entry on your list of movies you've never seen?
Now that "The Godfather" is not on there, the contenders are:
"Goodfellas"
"Apocalypse Now"
"One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"
And people shriek when they hear I've never seen:
"The Birdcage"
"The Little Mermaid"
"Trainspotting"
"Pirates Of The Caribbean*"
*Though I have seen the second one. A co-worker wanted someone to go with her and she said, "Just imagine the first movie was 'The Princess Bride' and you'll be able to follow." Everyone who's heard me retell that has said that this woman must obviously know nothing about either movie. Someone else went so far as to say that comparing those two movies is like comparing "Veggie Tales" with "Apocalypse Now."
But I wouldn't know.
After 26 years on this planet, I have finally seen "The Godfather."
You read that correctly. Until Tuesday, February 5, 2008, I had not seen "The Godfather," often cited as the best movie ever made. Easily the most spoofed, referenced and quoted movie ever made, too.
The ramifications of this are astounding. It's a classic in this country and I bet that there are more Americans who've seen this movie than there are Americans who've read the Bible. You could sooner find someone who'd admit to voting for Bush or Nader than you could find someone who hadn't seen that movie. You'd think that after four years of college, two of which I lived in a dorm, I would have been cured of this condition. Weirdly enough, the movie is one of of four movies upon which my family members can agree. ("Star Wars," "Animal House" and "The Blues Brothers" are the other three. Don't worry; I've seen all those.)
What's more amazing is that I'm supposed to be a movie buff. Or so people think, and I gladly let them think so. I talk about movies ad nauseam and go through Netflix rentals "like water." I've seen "Howard The Duck," "Elizabethtown" and "How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days," but it took me 26 years to see "The Godfather."
I fucking loved it. The plot, the dialogue, the colors, the cinematography, the music, the way they showed doors, everything. I should be beat down for not having seen said movie until now. I hadn't seen "Sling Blade" or "The Graduate" until a few weeks ago, or "Silence Of The Lambs" until a few years ago, but I need a good whoopin' for this cinematic transgression. Holy motherfuck.
Survey question
What's the most shocking entry on your list of movies you've never seen?
Now that "The Godfather" is not on there, the contenders are:
"Goodfellas"
"Apocalypse Now"
"One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"
And people shriek when they hear I've never seen:
"The Birdcage"
"The Little Mermaid"
"Trainspotting"
"Pirates Of The Caribbean*"
*Though I have seen the second one. A co-worker wanted someone to go with her and she said, "Just imagine the first movie was 'The Princess Bride' and you'll be able to follow." Everyone who's heard me retell that has said that this woman must obviously know nothing about either movie. Someone else went so far as to say that comparing those two movies is like comparing "Veggie Tales" with "Apocalypse Now."
But I wouldn't know.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
All My Little Words
A cursory look at Newseum's front page gallery on Monday showed 36 pages that featured the phrase "Giant upset" in the Super Bowl coverage. And that was from looking only at the thumbnails.
If only I had counted one more, putting the total at 37.
"Try not to write any headlines on the way to the parking lot."
I Will Never Be Your Wife
This weekend, proponents of an amendment to ban same-sex marriage in Florida succeeded in getting the measure on the November ballot. I shouldn't be surprised. Nor should I be surprised at how many news outlets referred to it as a "gay marriage" amendment.
"Gay marriage" totally fits in headline specs in ways that "same-sex marriage" wouldn't fit. I take issue with "gay marriage," though:
1) "Gay" sometimes means men only, and I think women who want to marry other women would want to be included
2) We have no way of knowing if the people seeking same-sex marriages are indeed "gay"
3) Bisexuals should be included
4) I don't think the people at city hall would make you confirm that you are indeed gay
5) Gay men and lesbians can marry each other, but what is not permitted is same-sex marriage
My passion on this issue comes partly from my defense of bisexuality. I've noticed a tendency to label same-sex couples as gay couples, and that bothers me. If I get married to a woman, it won't be a straight marriage, and if I get married to a man, it won't be a gay marriage. A person's sexual identity should come from their own terms rather than the gender of the people whom they date.
Beyond that, I'm a stickler about language in general. "Baptist" and "Southern Baptist" are not the same designation, just as "Anglican Catholic" carries different weight than simply saying "Catholic." The name Dannals is not the same as Daniels and should not be pronounced as such. Granted, this splitting of hairs says nothing of a person's values. You won't necessarily lose points with me for saying these things. But if you start to say it and then correct yourself mid-sentence, you will most definitely gain points.
And I probably tick people off by starting sentences with "but" and "and," and they have every right to be ticked. I should probably rewrite some of these sentences. But not now.
Survey question
Which misuse of a word or phrase ticks you off more than any other?
Besides "gay marriage," "moot" gets to me. I blame Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" for legitimizing the use of "moot" to mean "not up for debate. Really, the word meant that something was up for debate and not settled. Dictionaries will now honor both definitions, so I shouldn't be too bitter. But I am.
If only I had counted one more, putting the total at 37.
"Try not to write any headlines on the way to the parking lot."
I Will Never Be Your Wife
This weekend, proponents of an amendment to ban same-sex marriage in Florida succeeded in getting the measure on the November ballot. I shouldn't be surprised. Nor should I be surprised at how many news outlets referred to it as a "gay marriage" amendment.
"Gay marriage" totally fits in headline specs in ways that "same-sex marriage" wouldn't fit. I take issue with "gay marriage," though:
1) "Gay" sometimes means men only, and I think women who want to marry other women would want to be included
2) We have no way of knowing if the people seeking same-sex marriages are indeed "gay"
3) Bisexuals should be included
4) I don't think the people at city hall would make you confirm that you are indeed gay
5) Gay men and lesbians can marry each other, but what is not permitted is same-sex marriage
My passion on this issue comes partly from my defense of bisexuality. I've noticed a tendency to label same-sex couples as gay couples, and that bothers me. If I get married to a woman, it won't be a straight marriage, and if I get married to a man, it won't be a gay marriage. A person's sexual identity should come from their own terms rather than the gender of the people whom they date.
Beyond that, I'm a stickler about language in general. "Baptist" and "Southern Baptist" are not the same designation, just as "Anglican Catholic" carries different weight than simply saying "Catholic." The name Dannals is not the same as Daniels and should not be pronounced as such. Granted, this splitting of hairs says nothing of a person's values. You won't necessarily lose points with me for saying these things. But if you start to say it and then correct yourself mid-sentence, you will most definitely gain points.
And I probably tick people off by starting sentences with "but" and "and," and they have every right to be ticked. I should probably rewrite some of these sentences. But not now.
Survey question
Which misuse of a word or phrase ticks you off more than any other?
Besides "gay marriage," "moot" gets to me. I blame Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" for legitimizing the use of "moot" to mean "not up for debate. Really, the word meant that something was up for debate and not settled. Dictionaries will now honor both definitions, so I shouldn't be too bitter. But I am.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
The Things We Did and Didn't Do
"I think that gay men and women ought to have the same rights as heterosexual men and women, to make contracts, to have hospital visiting rights and to join together in marriage."
--Al Gore in 2008
Footage of Mitt Romney speaking about the importance of a woman's right to choose has been key in the arguments that he's a "flip-flopper." When shown in juxtaposition with clips of him speaking out against abortion, this footage confuses the viewer as to what Romney really thinks and whether anything he says can be trusted.
"Flip-flopper," of course, isn't new; Republicans used the term on John Kerry in 2004.
My initial reaction toward Al Gore's about-face on same-sex marriage was that it was too little, too late. A public figure speaking positively about same-sex marriage should be a good thing, and it would be, if only that same public figure hadn't been part of the administration responsible for the Defense of Marriage Act and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
The cynic in me finds it convenient that he's taking these "radical" stances now that he's not in office or running for office. Now that he's "Al Gore, private citizen," he can say all the things that he as a politician couldn't. And then I got really cynical and wondered what Hillary Clinton's view on same-sex marriage would be if she had nothing to lose, if she had no fear of alienating potential voters.
But then it occurred to me that maybe I should just be grateful Gore's taking any stance at all. Maybe he's not flip-flopping, but rather just evolving in his thoughts. Such progression in thoughts should be welcomed, not criticized, right?
If that's the case, then how to we judge Romney? Kerry?
"Gore's endorsement of same-sex marriage is a step up from his earlier position in support of domestic partner benefits for gays and civil unions—but not gay marriage. During his run in the 2000 presidential race, Gore stated he was in opposition of 'changing the institution of marriage as it is presently understood—between a man and a woman.'"
Al Gore Backs Gay Marriage [ChicagoPride.com]
Survey question
How should we define "flip-flopping"? If I change my mind on an issue, is that flip-flopping? Or is it only flip-flopping if I'm a politician? Does a person forfeit the right to change his or her opinion when becoming a politician?
--Al Gore in 2008
Footage of Mitt Romney speaking about the importance of a woman's right to choose has been key in the arguments that he's a "flip-flopper." When shown in juxtaposition with clips of him speaking out against abortion, this footage confuses the viewer as to what Romney really thinks and whether anything he says can be trusted.
"Flip-flopper," of course, isn't new; Republicans used the term on John Kerry in 2004.
My initial reaction toward Al Gore's about-face on same-sex marriage was that it was too little, too late. A public figure speaking positively about same-sex marriage should be a good thing, and it would be, if only that same public figure hadn't been part of the administration responsible for the Defense of Marriage Act and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
The cynic in me finds it convenient that he's taking these "radical" stances now that he's not in office or running for office. Now that he's "Al Gore, private citizen," he can say all the things that he as a politician couldn't. And then I got really cynical and wondered what Hillary Clinton's view on same-sex marriage would be if she had nothing to lose, if she had no fear of alienating potential voters.
But then it occurred to me that maybe I should just be grateful Gore's taking any stance at all. Maybe he's not flip-flopping, but rather just evolving in his thoughts. Such progression in thoughts should be welcomed, not criticized, right?
If that's the case, then how to we judge Romney? Kerry?
"Gore's endorsement of same-sex marriage is a step up from his earlier position in support of domestic partner benefits for gays and civil unions—but not gay marriage. During his run in the 2000 presidential race, Gore stated he was in opposition of 'changing the institution of marriage as it is presently understood—between a man and a woman.'"
Al Gore Backs Gay Marriage [ChicagoPride.com]
Survey question
How should we define "flip-flopping"? If I change my mind on an issue, is that flip-flopping? Or is it only flip-flopping if I'm a politician? Does a person forfeit the right to change his or her opinion when becoming a politician?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Sober, You're Old and Ugly
Bush's final State of the Union speech called for a drinking game.
Take a drink when:
*He says "Iraq"
*He says "economy"
*He mispronounces something
*Someone is shown sleeping
*A candidate is shown
*One side claps or stands but the other side does not
*Miscellaneous instance requiring a drink, approved by the rules committee
These rules underestimated the number of times these things would actually happen. I needed a new beer 20 minutes into it and eventually gave up. This game was a bold ambition, I admit. Sometimes you bite the bar, and sometimes the bar bites you.
The New York Times has a comprehensive graphic charting the words Bush has said in all of his State of the Union addresses. I will have to check with our official committee stenographer, because I somehow remember drinking to "economy" a bunch more times than reflected in the graphic. Perhaps it's because we included "economic" under the economy umbrella.
Bush, Facing Woes in '08, Focuses on War and Taxes [New York Times]
Survey question
You get a break today. Happy Primary Day!
Take a drink when:
*He says "Iraq"
*He says "economy"
*He mispronounces something
*Someone is shown sleeping
*A candidate is shown
*One side claps or stands but the other side does not
*Miscellaneous instance requiring a drink, approved by the rules committee
These rules underestimated the number of times these things would actually happen. I needed a new beer 20 minutes into it and eventually gave up. This game was a bold ambition, I admit. Sometimes you bite the bar, and sometimes the bar bites you.
The New York Times has a comprehensive graphic charting the words Bush has said in all of his State of the Union addresses. I will have to check with our official committee stenographer, because I somehow remember drinking to "economy" a bunch more times than reflected in the graphic. Perhaps it's because we included "economic" under the economy umbrella.
Bush, Facing Woes in '08, Focuses on War and Taxes [New York Times]
Survey question
You get a break today. Happy Primary Day!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Promises of Eternity
"The more people come to know us, the better they will understand us... We're a little different. We don't smoke. We don't drink. We do things in a little different way. That's not dishonorable. I believe that's to our credit."
--Gordon B. Hinckley, in an interview with The Associated Press in late 2005
Well, depends on which circles you run in, but yeah, I guess that's true.
I owe a huge debt to Gordon B. Hinckley. Because, without him, the Mormon church probably wouldn't have grown as it has in the past 12 years. Without that growth, PBS would probably have not dedicated two nights to a documentary about the Mormon church. Without that documentary, my friends and I would not have conceived the greatest drinking game. Ever.
Every time someone says "Joseph Smith," you take a drink. Which gets tough for quotes like this one:
"It's unfair in part because you really can't blame Joseph Smith for what a man like Warren Jeffs does abusing a 14-year-old girl almost two centuries after Smith himself died. There is no direct connection between these people and Joseph Smith. Blaming Smith in particular or Mormonism in general for ongoing Fundamentalist polygamists is like blaming Karl Marx for communist China."
And by the time she gets to communist China, you're too buzzed to grasp her point.
But the best part comes from a sweet former drug addict:
"They came in and told me the most preposterous story I have ever heard in my life: about this white boy, a dead angel and some gold plates. And I thought, I wonder what they're on?"
Why I Am A Mormon [PBS]
So, really, my tie to Hinckley has nothing to do with his warm personality, or his changes within the church. Neigh, his expanding the church as if they were Wal-Marts warranted the attention of PBS and for that, I spend most of the summer talking about "the most preposterous story I have ever heard in my life."
I think you are an alien being
This excerpt from The Trail was particularly telling to me:
"At a photo-op in front of a Texaco gas station here, scheduled so Romney could blast rival John McCain's proposal for limiting greenhouse gas emissions, Romney addressed his relationship with Gordon B. Hinckley, the Mormon church's president who died yesterday of natural cases at age 97. Romney called Hinckley 'one of the great leaders in our faith.'"
Romney, Remembering Gordon Hinckley [The Trail on WashingtonPost.com]
A "great leader" whose death spells the end of your avoidance of your Mormonism in public. At a time when you'd want the evangelicals to forget about that.
Survey question
If you lived a life without smoking, caffeine and alcohol, which part would be the hardest?
For me, it would be caffeine. I do enjoy alcohol, but I've been able to go a while without it. But I was able to do that because I had a bunch of Cokes and coffees. No coffee and I fade away like Yoda.
--Gordon B. Hinckley, in an interview with The Associated Press in late 2005
Well, depends on which circles you run in, but yeah, I guess that's true.
I owe a huge debt to Gordon B. Hinckley. Because, without him, the Mormon church probably wouldn't have grown as it has in the past 12 years. Without that growth, PBS would probably have not dedicated two nights to a documentary about the Mormon church. Without that documentary, my friends and I would not have conceived the greatest drinking game. Ever.
Every time someone says "Joseph Smith," you take a drink. Which gets tough for quotes like this one:
"It's unfair in part because you really can't blame Joseph Smith for what a man like Warren Jeffs does abusing a 14-year-old girl almost two centuries after Smith himself died. There is no direct connection between these people and Joseph Smith. Blaming Smith in particular or Mormonism in general for ongoing Fundamentalist polygamists is like blaming Karl Marx for communist China."
And by the time she gets to communist China, you're too buzzed to grasp her point.
But the best part comes from a sweet former drug addict:
"They came in and told me the most preposterous story I have ever heard in my life: about this white boy, a dead angel and some gold plates. And I thought, I wonder what they're on?"
Why I Am A Mormon [PBS]
So, really, my tie to Hinckley has nothing to do with his warm personality, or his changes within the church. Neigh, his expanding the church as if they were Wal-Marts warranted the attention of PBS and for that, I spend most of the summer talking about "the most preposterous story I have ever heard in my life."
I think you are an alien being
This excerpt from The Trail was particularly telling to me:
"At a photo-op in front of a Texaco gas station here, scheduled so Romney could blast rival John McCain's proposal for limiting greenhouse gas emissions, Romney addressed his relationship with Gordon B. Hinckley, the Mormon church's president who died yesterday of natural cases at age 97. Romney called Hinckley 'one of the great leaders in our faith.'"
Romney, Remembering Gordon Hinckley [The Trail on WashingtonPost.com]
A "great leader" whose death spells the end of your avoidance of your Mormonism in public. At a time when you'd want the evangelicals to forget about that.
Survey question
If you lived a life without smoking, caffeine and alcohol, which part would be the hardest?
For me, it would be caffeine. I do enjoy alcohol, but I've been able to go a while without it. But I was able to do that because I had a bunch of Cokes and coffees. No coffee and I fade away like Yoda.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I Was Born
I decided I wanted a new blog.
The problem is that the type of blog I'd probably have would address music, movies, books, pop culture, politics, headlines and a variety of other things already in other blogs whose authors probably know more than I do.
I've decided to bite the bullet anyway and give in despite the fact that I know this blog will be pretentious, self-righteous and self-referential. What you read from here on might be topical, but it will definitely be random and stream-of-conscience. Guaranteed.
In other words, it will read like a lot of other blogs that mention movies, music, politics and current events.
A couple other blog concepts I was batting around:
Adopt-A-Child-Laborer: I would post pictures of child laborers and give you the chance to bid on them. This would have been difficult because of language barriers to say nothing of international commerce. Though I imagine that such a Web site could have kept those foreign markets a tad more stable.
Forget The Writers, I'm Writing My Own Show: I would write my own episodes of the shows affected by the strike. I'm not saying they'd be accurate, but it would be nice to see McDreamy with his balls back. And an episode with Bernie Getz as himself.
Ask a Meth Addict: Similar to "Ask A Black Dude" on "Chappelle's Show," this feature would allow the public to ask questions of strangers. These strangers, however, would be tweaking on homemade crank. Scheduling interviews between social worker visits and unmentionable acts would have been difficult and thus that blog is not meant to be. For now, anyway.
So, with those ideas unable to come to fruition, I'm stuck with the established format of so many other blogs: randomly posting thoughts about a variety of things that seemingly have nothing to do with each other. All written in the style of whichever writer I'm obsessed with that day.
Survey question
If you got to watch a movie with a presidential candidate, which candidate would you pick and which movie would you watch?
So far, I've considered:
Hillary Clinton, "Dolemite"
Mike Huckabee, "Caligula"
Mitt Romney, "The Secret"
John McCain, "Saw"
Unfortunately, I can't think of a good movie to watch with Obama. Maybe "Mean Girls" or "Terms of Endearment."
The problem is that the type of blog I'd probably have would address music, movies, books, pop culture, politics, headlines and a variety of other things already in other blogs whose authors probably know more than I do.
I've decided to bite the bullet anyway and give in despite the fact that I know this blog will be pretentious, self-righteous and self-referential. What you read from here on might be topical, but it will definitely be random and stream-of-conscience. Guaranteed.
In other words, it will read like a lot of other blogs that mention movies, music, politics and current events.
A couple other blog concepts I was batting around:
Adopt-A-Child-Laborer: I would post pictures of child laborers and give you the chance to bid on them. This would have been difficult because of language barriers to say nothing of international commerce. Though I imagine that such a Web site could have kept those foreign markets a tad more stable.
Forget The Writers, I'm Writing My Own Show: I would write my own episodes of the shows affected by the strike. I'm not saying they'd be accurate, but it would be nice to see McDreamy with his balls back. And an episode with Bernie Getz as himself.
Ask a Meth Addict: Similar to "Ask A Black Dude" on "Chappelle's Show," this feature would allow the public to ask questions of strangers. These strangers, however, would be tweaking on homemade crank. Scheduling interviews between social worker visits and unmentionable acts would have been difficult and thus that blog is not meant to be. For now, anyway.
So, with those ideas unable to come to fruition, I'm stuck with the established format of so many other blogs: randomly posting thoughts about a variety of things that seemingly have nothing to do with each other. All written in the style of whichever writer I'm obsessed with that day.
Survey question
If you got to watch a movie with a presidential candidate, which candidate would you pick and which movie would you watch?
So far, I've considered:
Hillary Clinton, "Dolemite"
Mike Huckabee, "Caligula"
Mitt Romney, "The Secret"
John McCain, "Saw"
Unfortunately, I can't think of a good movie to watch with Obama. Maybe "Mean Girls" or "Terms of Endearment."
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